The Need to Be Right
The Need to be Right is one of the most prevalent needs in
our society today -from the political discussions to always needing to tell
clients what we think about their condition or health.
Needing to be
right all the time validates our self worth and self confidence. When we
are busy being right, we are often missing out on learning about another person
and really seeing them for who they are. We no longer are able to listen
when we are hooked into the need to be right. We don't even care what the
consequence of being right are and continue on our quest to be right.
The need to be right is a deep unmet need of the ego.
We depend on our ego in order to stabilize our
self-image and reaffirm our self-deception. Our ego loves to be right in order
to secure more validation, but ego is only one member of the family, and making
it the host of our inner house is letting your 2 year old drive the car.
We seek momentary relief from the pain of the early false beliefs that were
instilled in us by always needing to be right. We think that just because
we are right, we must be worthy. By making others wrong, you
constantly get the attention and approval you need to feel good about yourself.
Having to submit to someone else being right requires that
our self-esteem be secure enough to set ourselves aside and experience humility
and vulnerability. giving in to being wrong usually fees awful, especially
to those who compulsively need to be right. Their very core of being is
threatened when they can't be right. Their survival is threatened at the
risk of being wrong.
Needing to be Right all of the time is a defense mechanism
that is protecting some deep feelings of pain or grief. It allows us to
keep the feelings buried and keeps us separated from ourselves.
Needing to be Right all of the time means that you are
judging and criticizing others to make them be wrong. Judging others says
more about you than the person you are judging. What is says is that you
are afraid.
When we are driven by the need to be right, we are driven
by the need for control. You need others to be wrong so that you can feel
good about yourself. You make yourself feel good at another's expense.
Being right allows us to exult in separation and
superiority. The more you are right, the more you stand separate from and
superior to those who are wrong. Being right may feel like you are putting
yourself on a pedestal, but in life it is really just setting up walls and
defenses against your feeling vulnerable or feeling anything.
An evolved
person doesn’t fear being wrong. Who he is, his very essence, feels right. This
right feeling has nothing to do with facts or even knowledge. It is based on
what he feels to be the truth about his own intrinsic value and existence. His
life, he suspects, is neither more nor less than the value of anyone else’s. And
if he’s wrong about that, so what! When he’s wrong, it’s still all right.
There's a big difference between being right and being
righteous. Being righteous is all about your ego. You think that you have a
monopoly on “right”; that you know and have all the answers, and that everyone
who does not believe as you do is wrong. Righteous folks are frightened folks.
Often they are raised on fear-based ideas put forth by otherwise well-meaning
parents or institutions. They are wrapped up in their own world, unaware of
other people. They don't know how to respect others because they themselves
harbor nothing worthy of respect. After all it's ludicrous to believe anyone has
a monopoly on truth or what is right. Whenever you feel the need to express
righteousness, know that it's your ego rearing its ugly head.
The need to be right can be seen in many massage schools
and in private practice. Schools teach so many techniques and anatomy and
physiology based on the idea that everything is fact.
Many massage therapists start feeling that they have the
power to overcome and deal with any and every condition using the power of
touch. It is magnified because of the medical professions inability to
provide compassion and nurturing.
When people are in pain, sick or injured what they are
often needing the most is to just be listened too. Being listened to
builds ones self esteem.
As we listen to peoples history and issues they are faced
with, we often respond with telling them what we know about their condition etc.
from our experience and training. While this may seem like it is being
helpful, what other consequence may it have?
I think Oprah said it all one day when she was talking
about getting a massage - she said something like "I just want to tell the
massage therapist to shut up and just give me the massage".
Learning to listen and be present with the client is the
way to transform the need to be right.
Online articles on needing to be right:
Being Open minded: You Can Rise No Higher Than Your Lowest Opinion of
Another Chuck Gallozzi,
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