The Drama Triangle
You may have been taught about the Karpman
"Drama Triangle" in school. It is one of the basic theories in psychology
that explain dysfunctional patterns that keep us stuck in our lives. The
Faces of the Victim by Lynne Forrest is one of the best explanations of the
Drama Triangle online. I
highly recommend reading that article first if
you are unfamiliar with the theories or what to learn more.
As massage therapists we are drawn to
this profession to help. We think that we will be more fulfilled by
helping others. There is often a darker side to helping- that we help to
get our own needs of needing to be needed and valued met. When we try to
get our needs met through our clients, we end up feeling burned out or
unfulfilled. Thus we end up on the triangle trying to get our needs met by
acting out different "Dramas" or roles. It is usually an
unconscious process until we do the work to bring it into consciousness.
All of these roles were learned early in
childhood from our families, teachers and early life trauma. Even the
simplest things can result in a trauma that makes us believe that we are not
good enough or smart enough.
The Rescuer
As massage therapists, we are at a high risk of falling into the rescuer
role. Clients seek us out when they are in pain or under great
stress. They often expect us to relieve their pain. We are expected
to "rescue others" from their pain. We get caught in fixing, giving
advice and needing to be the expert. We feel uncomfortable when people are
in pain. We take classes to constantly learn new methods for relieving
pain. We often feel responsible for others pain. As rescuers, we avoid
acknowledging our own vulnerability so we seek out others who are vulnerable to
caretake. The way that we feel safe is by enabling others to remain in the
victim position. We feel more connected when we are rescuing others but in
reality it only lasts a short time. It becomes an addiction like being
addicted to the sweetness of chocolate - it only lasts a short time. Our need to
give advice is an effort to make us feel better about ourselves. It is a
defense mechanism that actually keeps us more separate from others so we can further
avoid our feelings and needs. Our need for admiration, connection and attention
drive us to keep searching for that one who will fulfill that need.
A person is rescuing when they:
-
are doing something they don't want to do
like working extra hours just to fit someone in the schedule or not taking
breaks to work on someone.
-
doing something they are not asked to do
like giving advice about nutrition or other health tips.
-
doing something that you can't really do
like giving nutrition advice
-
doing more than 50% of the work like when
we feel like we give and give and end up feeling taken for granted.
Often a rescuer will state that they are
doing something only because they care. They attempt to validate their
rescuing and relieve the feelings they are having.
The way out of the rescuer role is to start
taking responsibility for your own feelings. What is it that you are
feeling the second after someone is describing their pain or problem that makes
you want to jump in and give your advice or share your story? Can you stay
present enough to bear your own pain and story and be clear of it when you
respond to the clients pain? Taking responsibility is the act of being
able to respond to a person rather than react. It is often a difficult
process.
The Victim
We are victims when we don't take responsibility for ourselves. When we
ignore our feelings and needs we fall into the victim trap. We will often
feel overwhelmed with our feelings or even numb to them. We are victims
when we say things like:
" I have done everything I could to build my practice, but nothing is
working."
"My practice is slow right now because of the economy."
We blame our misfortune on other factors
outside of our control. We feel hopeless, helpless and are always
complaining. These "victim" beliefs keep us stuck repeating the
same things again and again, until we either go out of business, find a new
career or settle in and tackle the issue seriously.
Victims are usually raised by rescuers- the
mother who is the martyr and does everything for the child thinking they are
helpless to do things themselves. Since rescuers have taken responsibility
for others it leaves victims being unable to take responsibility for themselves.
The opposite of the victim role or the way
out of the victim role is again, taking responsibility and stop blaming others
or events outside of yourself.
The Persecutor
The persecutor needs to feel important and right all the time. We judge
and criticize others to make us feel better. We are often unaware of our
own power. Putting others down leaves us feeling one up from others and
more powerful. Using criticisms and judgments, we keep ourselves
separate. We often become critical of clients who don't do their stretches
or take our advice. We feel we know better than doctors. We often
think that "It is all your fault". We have an incessant need to
be right all the time.
Persecutors will also take this role on
against themselves. We are critical of ourselves when we fail. We
harshly criticize ourselves and blame ourselves. We feel it is our duty to give
helpful feedback even if it isn't asked for.
Clients can become persecutors when we fail
to fix them or relieve their pain.
Carl Jung says "What we are unconscious
of becomes our fate." When we hide beneath the roles of victim,
rescuer or persecutor, we will often unconsciously create what we most need to
see about ourselves. The pattern will keep repeating itself until we
become aware and make changes. When we are caught in the drama triangle it
is an indicator that there is a boundary violation. Our boundaries are
what keep us clear. Getting in touch with our stories is what helps us keep
clear. Other things that can also help in the process is developing a
spiritual practice, supervision, peer
supervision.
Getting off the drama triangle starts with
first becoming aware that we are even on it! It is often difficult and
humbling to even see our roles let alone accept them.
If we can understand our roles in
helping others (our clients), we will have a better understanding of our needs.
Often as massage therapists we are not aware of our needs but we can often see
others needs more clearly (or so we think). We set aside our needs to help
others. Becoming aware of our needs is essential in getting off the
triangle. We need to learn to take responsibility for our needs. Our
feelings are the key to learning to take responsibility for our actions.
Our feelings are what tell us what we need. When we are having feelings
like hopelessness, anger, helplessness there is often a need underneath the
feeling. When we can figure out what we are needing and learn how to get
that need met, the triangle collapses.
Fairy
tales and script analysis - by Stephen Karpman
The
Dance of Drama - Joan Casey
Taking
Responsibility - www.coping.org
Getting in Touch with your feelings - Emotional
Freedom Technique
